Heart of Mustard (or something)

Some things I can tell you:

I’m still very nervous to use any of this language anywhere, including with the nun who is acting as my de facto spiritual advisor.

I relate to Anne Lamott A LOT.

I met another nun named Sister Luke who lives in Nazareth, KY and has spent most of the past 20 years leading groups to help clean up after disasters. She comes to the Fortunate Families potlucks. She sat next to me last week. She’s very funny and energetic and very touchy-feely and I am very attracted to her as a person and as a demonstration of Catholic awesomeness, and I think I’m going to send her a card through the MAIL telling her so.

At this same potluck, one of the couples in the Supreme Court case that resulted in Marriage Equality spoke to us. They have always been practicing Catholics and always attended Church together and sent their adopted kids to Catholic school. Even when some parishioners or priests or Bishops tried to challenge their presence and participation, they kept coming back. I wonder how many hearts and minds they changed by just continuing to show up and be themselves?

I get the distinct impression that our Parish priest doesn’t like me (specifically, that he doesn’t trust me). This is almost certainly projection and I need to purge that feeling so I don’t spend all my time trying to “make him like me.” Maybe he doesn’t like me. I’m a loudmouth with an obviously huge ego and something to prove. Not everyone has to like me. Not even in a Church.

When I found out our Bishop is going to be at St Paul’s next weekend for confirmations, I squealed like it was Justin Bieber.

I just finished reading Pope Leo’s recent encyclical on AI and I think it rocks. Pope Leo rocks.

His “Pray with the Pope” item this month is for those who participate in “sport.” It doesn’t make me cry like last month’s “That everyone may have food” but in light of the fact that I am spending every free moment in June watching sports because of the Stanley Cup playoffs and “la Copa Mundial,” it’s apropos. The Pope smiles a little at the end. Adorable.

I have a little card with an ethnically appropriate icon of Jesus showing the Sacred Heart and I look at it when I pray at night. Sometimes I imagine Jesus sitting next to me, holding my hand, stroking my hair, etc. It’s weird but it’s helping me “feel” His presence. I need to think less and feel more.

When I’m at Mass I notice when I am kind of in my own head and thinking about how I appear or whether others can tell how devout I’m being, I feel shitty. I have this kinesthetic sense now when I am holding in vs. when I am opening outward and not trapped in my own head or body. That sense is, I hope, helping me unwind that tight spring I keep coiled in order to avoid connection with others (and with God). It’s one of the things I pray for now.

I pray for other people now. Weird. Fr James Martin in “How to Pray”’s chapter on rote prayer suggested that when I say the rosary I might consider ending the Hail Mary’s with “Pray for (x individual or group) now and at the hour of their death(s)” instead of the usual “Pray for us sinners.” I did that today on the big beads and I liked it. It felt less like a sprint and more meaningful.

I participated in a Novena for the dedication of the USA to the Sacred Heart this week (as best I could—still not sure I understand what a Novena is, frankly)—which seems especially necessary today, which is the day Trump is attempting to dedicate the Nation to himself on his birthday (with choruses of UFC fighters sounding trumpets or something). One of the “action” suggestions after a daily prayer was to practice “Mustard Seed commitments,” and one of those commitments (which echoes one of Pope Leo’s action items at the end of the AI encyclical) is:

"Commit to greeting and speaking respectfully to someone who is ignored (e.g. someone who works at your parish, a neighbor, a homeless person), ensuring you treat each person you encounter with dignity."

I’ve been dabbling in this—mostly by forcing myself to look in the eye and greet other LexTran riders—but I’m going to dedicate myself to making this my norm, including online. I’ll let you (who is “you?” I dunno. I still don’t really want anyone to read this… except Jesus. I’m talking to YOU, Jesus!) know.