Output 6--My First Beta Blocker

Took one this morning because as we were watching The Rockford Files I could feel the creeping slime. That's what it feels like. Slow, subtle, very noticeable, somewhere in my gut, floating, taunting, taking me on a little distracting ride into anxiety. This week, it's about money.

Want a general accounting? In February I withdrew my 401K and had $42,ooo in my bank account. I paid off a loan and a credit card I used to get set up to tattoo, and had $29,000.

This week I have $2,500. It's July.

I'm not going to get into the details now. Just know that about $20,000 has been spent in hypomanic states on ridiculous things. Here in Kentucky we call that Redneck Rich.

I guess it's a good thing I never got into gambling or hard drugs.

So I took one of these babies and waited an hour and I spent most of the day doing the things I normally do but without feelings getting in the way. No arguing with myself about what I felt like doing, just making a decision and carrying it out calmly. I don't know if it was "real" or a placebo effect and it's hard to put into words but being able to navigate the day without bouncing around in my feelings was great and very relaxing even though I spent most of the day "working" (drawing on assignment).

This is not going to be where the med train stops, just a temporary waystation. But it's encouraging. I used to be very anti psych med but frankly, I don't want to live in fear anymore. There's got to be a better way.