Output 12--No comment
I like that there are no comments or reactions here.
There might be people reading what I post. There might not be. I can't decide how important that is, or if I should be thinking about it at all. I'm doing this for myself, but I'm not sure I can really articulate how it's supposed to be helping me. I guess I decided to stop posting on social media and start doing a... what is this? A blog? A webjournal? A "ghost?"... because:
a. Part of my general problem is the guilt I feel because I never actually create much of anything, and it's who I'm supposed to be: An Artist. If I make myself do this, I might finally develop a creative practice I am able to stick to. God knows I've never been able to commit to "journaling" in the past, partially because I am a language snob and "journal" IS NOT A FUCKING VERB. But also... who cares? Do I really want to leave behind a stack of half-scrawled Strathmores with embarrassing thoughts and feelings in them? I had a guy go through those once after I left him but before I had picked up my stuff. It was terrible! The guilt is still with me (and not only because that guy was Al, my current housemate; he forgave me, incredibly).
Social media became something like a "journal" for me, I guess. Facebook was the preferred platform because it had unlimited writing features and I liked to write. I felt like people got to know me for the first time, even people who were acquainted with me before but didn't realize I actually had thoughts that were kind of interesting and often relatable. Social media was good to me then. But the benefit is way past its expiration date as social media is now a cesspool of hellfire I can't wait to escape. Blurting on social media doesn't cut it anymore. I want something more coherent. I want to write "about" something and social media doesn't really provide that opportunity anymore.
b. Speaking of social media, I'm no expert (obviously, since I didn't even realize I was fucking Bipolar before last week) but I'm pretty sure doomscrolling and like-getting are fucking with our brains on a neurological, pathological level. I don't think those repeated Dopamine or Seratonin or Oxytocin bursts or whatever we get from doomscrolling and like-getting are good for our brains. And if we are already compromised by mental illness, I think they are actually very bad for our brains. I wasn't kidding when I said this country is in the middle of a period of Collective Psychosis. Two years spent in front of YouTube by people with no experience with how social media affects the brain basically produced such human carnage that they now believe in Ivermectin and Q drops. We are fucked. I am tired of being fucked in that particular sense. I have a 20-something niece who is one of those who has renounced social media and smartphones and my admiration of her is UGE. So yeah, if I'm Bipolar, I don't think I should actually be using social media.
c. David Byrne is my hero and for years, he has kept a "web journal." It's usually not about music, it's usually about either culture, or commuting by folding bike. you should read it.
So I do hope people are looking at this, because the reason I haven't left social media YET is the abject, very real fear that if I do, I will no longer exist. I keep thinking of Warren Beatty's line in Madonna's TRUTH OR DARE: "She doesn't want to live off-camera. There's nothing to say off-camera. Why would you say something if it's off-camera? What point is there existing?*" How amusing, he said that as if it were some sort of aberration. And just look at us now. Under Influencer Culture, we are ALL Madonnas. If we produce something off camera, and no one notices, do we actually exist?
But I'm also glad there's no immediate feedback here, because I have never not made writing or art if it wasn't to get someone's approbation, or at least someone's money. I need a new, internalized carrot.
*PS--Fuck you, Warren Beatty. You're one to talk.