Output 20--Patterns

My new Guru. Reading this book is helping me forgive myself.

If you have spent enough time in 12-Step programs, you start to become very pattern-aware. If nothing else, even if you can't stop using whatever got you there, or you stay "sober," in whatever way that means per the Program, but you relapse or just abandon the thing altogether (like me... and here begins a topic that I'm going to broach while also pretending nobody is reading this).

Disclaimer: If you are reading this (you're not), and you are a person I met in Chicago during a certain looooooong stretch in a certain Program (but no one is reading this), the fact is, I was sober for a long time, and now I am not (hangs virtual head in virtual shame). I haven't been, for several years (sorry). And that's all I will say about that (sorry). Please refrain from taking my inventory for the moment (thanks).

Because I'm not here to talk about drinking (oops. Bye bye, anonymity). I'm here to talk about spending.

I have been in a Debt Management program twice in my life (I paid off the second program last year). I have one bankruptcy. I have completely withdrawn my 401K twice (once this year) and burned through all the money in a matter of months: I withdrew about $40K this time. After paying off my Debt Management program and a personal loan, I had $29K. Less than 6 months later, I have about $1500 in 401K cashout-savings, and about $3,000 in (new) credit card debt.

I am currently not earning a red cent.

So.

This is stressful. This stress is very much contributing to my current mental situation. The fact that I literally cannot conceive of a way to earn money in my current state (though I am starting to inventory tattoo equipment I bought early and replaced with better equipment, and I am preparing to sell it, but the most I will get, if anyone actually bites, is probably $1500); and I have a guitar I want to sell but no idea how to do it and get anywhere near what it's worth.... and the tasks that go along with selling these things are currently overwhelming and I can't imagine really doing it.

I use this phrase "I can't imagine" a lot in my writing. That's literal. It's like there is an insurmountable brick wall in my brain and all the positive thinking and affirmation and visualization and vision boards and Morning Pages cannot bring me a convincing vision of myself earning money as a tattoo artist, or as anything else. I'm not kidding. It's that obscure to me. It's on the other side of the wall. I have zero upper body strength to climb that shit so here I sit, wondering what the fuck people are talking about when they talk about "success" or "achievement" or any of those things I was supposed to do but didn't because hey, I'm mentally ill. WHO KNEW?

I used to just tell everyone, including myself, that I am "bad with money" or that "My parents never taught me fiscal responsibility" or that "Catholic schools didn't have classes in economics"--they had "Home Economics" but as a proto-Riot Grrrl (not really, too timid) I wasn't touching that sexist shit with a 10-foot pole (Yes, I deeply regret it, as I don't even know how to sew a fucking button). I think the revelation that the reason I behave this way has EVERYTHING to do with hypomania is kind of a relief because now I know my financial insanity is just that, and not a moral failing or because I'm too stupid to understand how money works (or, as Al said this week before I explained hypomanic spending, because I “don’t try”).

So yes, I am once again teetering on the brink of disaster with my housemate Al in reserve to fall on the grenade for me, as always. I don't want that. I want to get better.

My new Guru, Maria Bamford* (more about her later), is or was a member of 4-5 12-Step groups. One of them is Debtors Anonymous (oops, bye bye Maria's anonymity. Just kidding, she throws a grenade at her anonymity in her book). And I am going to do that. DA has sponsors to help with your PATTERNS and also "PRGs" (pressure relief groups) who help you not want to throw yourself under a bus but to come up with solutions you may not have thought of to help correct acute instances of financially ruinous behavior. That sounds AMAZING. I am totally going to join DA.

Right after I come back from that incredibly ill-advised trip to Camp John Waters. I still have about $7500 in credit.

Fuck.

So here is the PATTERN (I forgot that was the title):

Admire something or someone. An artist, a musician, an influencer, a movie, a musical style... something you really enjoy.
Tell yourself, "I COULD DO THAT!" Note the compulsive desire to not only enjoy the thing or person, but to BE A PART OF or BE LIKE that thing or person.
Develop a plan to do a thing that will transform you into that.
The plan involves spending a lot of money on equipment, classes, or clothes, in order to aid in this transformation. BUY THEM.
If you don't have enough money to buy them, get a credit card. Or a personal loan. Or dip into your 401K cashout-savings (if applicable). Try not to think about it too much. YOU'RE GOING TO DO OR BE A FABULOUS THING THAT WILL TRANSFORM YOU INTO SOMEONE ELSE. YOU WILL WIN ADMIRERS AND EARN A LOT OF MONEY AS THIS NEW PERSON DOING THIS NEW THING. EVERYONE WILL WANT TO BE LIKE YOOOOOU!
Use your 401K cashout-savings (if applicable) whenever possible to buy things and to pay your balances but when it gets low, it's CREDIT ALL THE WAY BABY!!
If it's really expensive, or seems REALLY impulsive, just leave that shit in an online shopping cart until another weak moment leads you to return to the cart and click BUY with no internal conflict.
How will you pay the taxes on this 401K withdrawal (if applicable)? WHO CARES? THAT'S NOT TIL NEXT YEAR! (I did learn one lesson: the Law of 55. I'm older than that. So no penalties this time. See, I AM good with money!)

Wanna know what I bought while in this PATTERN just this year? Here's a sneak peek:

What are those things? you ask?

Those are hat-making supplies purchased from Etsy. In my defense, they sat in my cart for a month before I decided I will DEFINITELY be a milliner. Right after I learn to tattoo. And to paint on velvet. And to play guitar FINALLY FOR REAL THIS TIME. Oh wait, I need another nicknack for my home tiki bar... You get the idea.

DA, take me away!

*I'm pretty sure this entire OUTPUT has been written in the style of Maria Bamford. Because I want to be like her. Hey, the book only cost $15. That's a pretty low-rent transformation. Thanks, Guru Maria!