Output 21--Eeyore

I believe this is how I am starting to appear to my boyfriend, especially after the 985th time I have initiated plans and cancelled them hours later because I am too mentally fucked up to handle anything more than sitting home staring slackjawed at my screens.

I'm afraid he will break up with me because I have to be so fucking self-centered right now. Even though I've tried to explain and sent articles about Bipolar II (in Spanish), I feel so weak and useless right now.

I have spent decades making plans and breaking them, either at the last minute or with plenty of lead time but lame excuses. I know now that this is actually, HEY!, a symptom of my Bipolar disorder (that became instantly less problematic after a global pandemic led everyone to start cancelling plans, constantly). But I did it for so long, breaking plans always feels like a lie, just like calling in sick still feels (felt– I’m UNEMPLOYED) like a hangover.

I just need to take things slowly. I shouldn't tattoo again until I do more therapy and have more tools in the box that will keep me feeling safe. My bf doesn't understand. In fact, he didn't respond to my messages. Way to support me by helping me feel WAY more alone.

It's not his fault. A Bipolar ex once declared on social media that "mentally ill people deserve love, too." Sure they do. But do healthy people really "deserve" to have to deal with the unpredictability and lack of accountability of someone who is Bipolar? That's an open question.