Output 35—The meds are kicking in.

It’s been almost two weeks since I went from 300mg to 450mg of mood stabilizer, and started a non-stimulant ADHD medication.

I’ve heard so many amazing things about the difference that ADHD meds can make, I was hopeful, but also ready to be disappointed.

I am not disappointed. And I don’t think I’ve even reached a therapeutic dose yet.

The main difference is that I am tacking tasks like a motherfucker, some of which have been sitting in the to-do pile for months; and I am able to focus when I do. I don’t think I really understood what “focus” feels like before now. I think I was expecting some intense, laser-sharp thing. But it actually just feels like… being able to do a thing, like, take the necessary steps to do a thing and, if something isn’t working, instead of just saying “fuck it,” being able to make adjustments in the moment and continue doing the thing.

And some of these things can only be accomplished slowly, over the course of days or weeks, which before was often the thing that kept me from starting. But now it’s OK. And sometimes, if it seems like a thing can be finished in a day, I’ll just keep working on it until I finish it, without constant invasive thoughts and FOMO.

And I don’t feel like watching TV (that includes streaming). I’ve numbed myself and made myself feel ok about not DOING things my whole life by watching TV, by projecting myself into someone else’s story. But now… that bores me. I don’t want to spend hours on the couch taking in someone else’s media. Even when I retire at night, I’ve been practicing guitar and only going to bed to watch TV when I’m finished practicing.

This is super weird. And super awesome. I hope it doesn’t stop.