Output 41—A Different Person
My therapist and my med manager both said to me, in our last visits, that I seem like “a different person” now.
I don’t think I would go that far.
But one thing has happened that I really can’t explain to them that well, because it’s a bit broader than the scope we’ve been dealing with. It’s more like a “whole life” thing. And it’s this:
I have always felt like an outsider, but I have never felt like an artist.
That has changed, thanks to my “nervous breakdown."
I’ve recovered my mental health, thank goodness, and I think I can start working again. But more than that, I now know WHY I am like I am. I’m bipolar. My father was almost definitely also bipolar. I now see so many of my mistakes as either demonstrations of this, or as self-medication for this. And now I know that my father’s bullying was also an acting out of his mental illness. It wasn’t my truth, nor was it his. It was just a symptom.
And somehow, as I have done some pharmaceutical re-alignment of my brain, I have been able to clear the fog of my own shame and disappointment and now I can see the center of my life, which has been waiting for me this whole time—my creativity. It feels like a Secret Room now, like a haven, and like the most important thing in my life—the thing I would do anything to preserve and to return to. This is what I always saw and envied in other artists—the self-reliance and prioritization of their work. I could never get there. But now I am.
If I’m not going out much lately, it’s not because of antisocial anxiety. It’s because the free moments I have in my Secret Room are the most important and precious thing. Those moments make up my North Star.
I have such a long list of projects I want to do. Today I started making the little movie I’ve been planning and watched some tutorials to help me figure out my next mask. I played guitar. I taped an old chair I’m going to re-paint for Al as a birthday present. I also spent way too much time online. But I made sure to carve out some time in my Secret Room too.
I’m going to Chicago with a friend I love dearly in 36 hours and it will feel like some kind of circle coming together, I think.
I’m so grateful that I went crazy.
11-15-2025